I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
He better not be in your backpack
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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