The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
