the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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