dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
