how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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