im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
