Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
