i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
