It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
send nudes
from the living room?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
