dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
