Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
