I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
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You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
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These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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