News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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