just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
