I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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