I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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