The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Randomize
