yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
