she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Sorry my hands just texted you
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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