Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Randomize
