we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
