Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
