So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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