pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
