Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
this boner is exhausting
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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