I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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