The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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