I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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