Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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