True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
