Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
