Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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