my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
