oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Randomize
