I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
