She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
