Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
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