you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
