well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
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I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
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I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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