We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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