my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
