All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
