so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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