my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
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