dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
