I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
