Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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