You just made me feel so damn special
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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