I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
