it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
