Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
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