Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Randomize
