If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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