Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize
