Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
