After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
