We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
