I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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