i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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