i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
only you would photoshop your dick
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
