Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
