I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
